New Blog / Website

Yes, I am moving again but this time it is for the better and hopefully I will be able to expand it.

So if you would still like to follow my blog and I am hoping this year to be better at posting because we will be crazy busy if things go as planned in October.

 

Click my name below to be directed to my new home.

InspireRae

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Submissive Owner’s Manual

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What Do I Need From My Dominant?

by Jade Richardson 1997

This was originally started to be a guideline for submissives but in retrospect I think it may better serve the Dominants who may happen to land here. Perhaps it may provide some insight to both sides of the equation.” – Jade Richardson

I Want vs. I Need

We often confuse these two things: I want and I need. Although they may seem to be the same at first glance, there is a huge difference in the two. We want a lot of things in life; money, new cars, a beautiful home, success, and hot fudge sundaes, just to name a few, but how many of them do we really need? Very often the things we want are not always things that are the best for us and are usually self-indulgent wishes that change as fast as the top ten hits on VH1. “Needs” are a different situation. They are the fundamentals we require to remain mentally and physically healthy and allow us to grow spiritually and emotionally. I may really want a hot fudge sundae but survive quite well without it (I know that’s hard to believe for any of you who know me.) but I cannot thrive without my basic needs being met. We’ve had many encounters with unhappy submissives who bemoan the fact their Dominant does not give them what they need. As we listen to the list of complaints we sometimes find a lot of “wants” mixed in with a few valid “needs” in the charges against their Dominant. Sorting them out isn’t always easy for either the submissive or Dominant in a relationship. Each person is unique and comes with their own special requirements. Without a doubt, this is one area that requires communication skills and time before either party can confidently determine what they want or need from the other. The Submissive Owner’s Manual may help you to understand some of the complexities of the Dominant/submissive relationship.

Submissive Owner’s Manual

I need to feel safe. Before I can begin to open my submissive nature to You I need to feel safe and have reason to trust You. To let down my walls and give You control of my will may take time and testing before I feel safe enough to permit either of us to go beyond the initial stages of our relationship. Even after I’ve given myself to You fully, I need to be reminded I am safe with You. I may like to feel the thrill and excitement of fear and the unknown, but I need to be sure no matter how You stimulate those emotions during an intense scene or situation, I will remain safe in Your care.

I need to know You accept me for all I am

I will be many things to You as our relationship grows and I need to know You accept me as a person during each transition along the way. I need to know You accept me as a friend, lover, companion, and Your submissive but also accept me as parent, child, employee, community member or other roles I fill in my obligations to family or society. I need to have clearly defined limits . I need to know exactly what You expect of me and know that You also understand my limits. In some ways I am like a child that needs a fence around my play area so I know how far I can go and feel secure inside those limits. I need You to reinforce those fences by correcting me when I try to climb them without Your approval.

I need You to be consistent

I need to know You mean what You say and that today’s rules will apply to tomorrow’s behaviour. Nothing confuses me more than giving me mixed signals by allowing me to break rules that You’ve given me. From time to time I may test You to see if You are capable of accepting control of my life by consistently bringing me back to the path You’ve chosen for me. It’s not done to try Your patience but is my way of finding reassurance You are paying attention to my progress. Very often it’s not done consciously and I promise I’ll not use it as a method for provoking Your negative responses.

I need to expand my limits

I need to grow and to be challenged. Left on my own, I’ll become bored or stagnate within the boundaries I accepted in the beginning. I need to be pushed, but never shoved, to go beyond the places I’ve been. I may drag my feet and pout at times, or sit down and refuse to move because I’m unsure and need Your guidance in overcoming my obstacles. I depend on You for strength and encouragement to get beyond them.

I need You to teach me

I need to learn and it is You who are my teacher. My mind is hungry for new things and learning helps me to become all that I can be. This may require You to continue to learn new things in order to keep me challenged. Together we can grow to the fullness of the gifts we have and deepen the diversity we share.

I need goals

Part of my make-up as a submissive makes me very goal-oriented. I need them to measure my progress and need You to provide them for me. Take time to explain those goals in ways I can comprehend Your plans concerning my growth as Your submissive. Without Your direction I quickly become lost so I’ll look to You frequently to provide a purpose and aim as I continue in my development as a submissive.

I need to be corrected

I need You to correct me when I make mistakes. Without Your correction I will develop bad habits that can be very difficult to break and do great damage to our relationship and to us as individuals. Without Your correction, I may never know I’ve made a mistake. Allowing me to continue unchecked will only cause me to fail both of us in the end. I admire firmness in Your correction and feel secure in knowing that You will never be afraid to take steps needed in keeping me focused on the goals You’ve set for me.

I need You to be my role-model

I look up to You and try to follow in Your footsteps. If You fail to live up to a standard, I will follow You into failure, often without You noticing until it is too late. I learn quickly by the examples You provide for me and often base my reactions and behaviours on my observations of You in similar situations. I will blindly pattern myself in Your image so be aware that my eyes will always be on You as face Your own challenges and daily activities.

I need Your approval and reassurance

I need to know when You approve of me or what I’ve done and to know I belong to You even if I fall short of my goals. I sometimes confuse approval with disapproval when You do not provide positive reinforcement when You are pleased by my actions. I will constantly be seeking Your approval when I’m unsure of myself and may need to rely deeply on Your support and reassurance when I’m confused about a situation or apprehensive about a new challenge.

I need to be able to express myself I have a need to express both good and bad things to You but it may be difficult for me to put the negative things into words. I fear Your rejection and hate disappointing You, so I may need a little space and time to voice all the things I need to say. You can help me by reassuring me that my feelings are valid, even if they aren’t something You find pleasure in hearing. There may be times when I’m upset or angry with You but without freedom to express those feelings there can be only festering resentment or misunderstanding. Guide me in ways that I can learn to speak my heart without breaking it or Yours.

I need to learn from my mistakes

I need to experience things that may be painful in order to learn successfully. I know Your protective nature will struggle with allowing me to be hurt but I need to learn the consequences of what I’ve done and to experience the feelings that go along with making mistakes. I will need Your comfort once I’ve faced my failure but will sometimes feel unworthy of asking or unable to voice my disappointment in failing. Allow me to sort out my feelings before wiping away my tears.

I need forgiveness when I fail You

Nothing hurts me more than to know I’ve failed or displeased You and I need to be forgiven once I’ve made amends. It is very hard for me to forgive myself for a wrong-doing and I may need Your help in getting beyond the feelings of remorse I am carrying. I may even need to be punished, if my wrong-doing was traumatic enough, in order to feel closure and accept forgiveness. I depend on You to make that determination for me and need Your help in making an atonement that is acceptable to You.

I need to feel I contribute

I have a deep-set need to give and must have outlets for this need. My basic nature is to give of myself and You will be the primary recipient of my gifts. Allow me to contribute to our relationship and our life together. To do less will leave me unfulfilled and unneeded, a fate worse than death for me. Provide me with ways to contribute things to others, also. I may need to give of myself to those I hold dear but You will always receive the best I have to offer.

I need to enjoy successes

Without experiencing and enjoying my successes I may give up my fight to be all You desire for me. Allow me the pleasure of savouring the taste of victory when I overcome an obstacle or if You find pride in my attempts. All of my successes belong to You and I need to share their rewards with You. I don’t expect You to spoil me with grand displays for little victories, but when I’ve reached beyond the limits of my past attempts, please don’t deny me the sweet feelings of knowing I’ve achieved a goal You’ve set.

I need to share with You

Sharing with You is a compelling need and one of the cornerstones of my submissive nature. This includes the emotional and spiritual aspects of my being as well as the physical body I inhabit. It may be difficult for me to give You access to the deeper levels of my emotions and feelings but those are the things I need to share the most. I’ll depend on You to direct me in ways I can achieve total openness with You. I also need to share in the things You are. Trust me enough to share in Your fears, failures and struggles. I’ll never see You as weak or incapable because You have shown confidence in me by giving part of Yourself in trust.

I need to feel loved, respected, and protected in Your ownership

No matter how well I’ve done or how miserably I’ve failed, I need to know I’m still loved and protected by You. Nothing will prevent me from trying new things like fear of losing Your respect and love. By the reverse, nothing will encourage me to expand my limits and grow to be all I am capable of being more than knowing You will be there to protect me from harm and will love me even if I fall short of the target. I need to be loved and to love You in return. I can’t survive without it.

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I don’t know about you but when I found this on the internet and read it. I was like WOW, this is me. I feel this most of the time. Therefore I had to share.

My goal for this coming year is to share more with you all on what I am doing and what I am thinking and finding out about this wonderful Lifestyle that we live.

 

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Lurking No More

Hello, I’m Rae. I’m 43 years old been married to the love of my life for 22 years. We dated for almost 2 years before we got married. He is also my Master. We have been in the BDSM lifestyle now for about 18 years. We’ve been in the Austin community for the last 3 years. So that leaves us with 15 years of being on our own. Doing what we do in the privacy of our own home. Learning more about each other, tearing down boundaries and working on growing into what you all see before you now.

You see I’m the one you see in the corner somewhere with the laptop in front of her doing who knows what. Don’t worry most of the time it does not hold my attention. I am watching, listening and observing you all. Yep, I do that online too, I lurk in many places.  And right now, I am going to try and not be that lurker any more. I am going to step out from the corner and out from behind the laptop.

For the past year or so there has been this talk about this erotica book that has brought our lifestyle to the mainstream public. Yes, there is even a movie to be made. Don’t get me started on this book. Been there done that. Even NCSF and MSNBC have gone there recently. This book has done some good and some bad to our lifestyle depending on who you talk too, what you read and where you lurk. And this is what I want to talk about.

I am on the computer most of the day. You can mostly find me on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr and FetLife. I do a lot of online lurking on most of these sights. I respond and post sometimes. I see a lot of posts of people who identify as submissive/slaves looking for their Dominant/Master. Wondering when and where they will find them. How can this picture or story be me? How do I get that? I want that!  These are all wonderful things to those of us who have been in the lifestyle for a long time. We love to share how we got where we got. What we have learned along the way to hopefully help you avoid some of our pitfalls and mistakes.

So what I am trying to say in this piece of jumbled words is this. YOU want to find your Dominant/Master then you need to put yourself out there in the REAL WORLD. Yes, I know you can find them online too but 9 times out of 10 they are fakes, wannabes. They are in it just for the fun not for the realness, the calm, the love, the emotions, the peace and freedom that this lifestyle can give you. BUT you also must do a lot of research into this lifestyle. LEARN the terminology and its different meaning. Because trust me my definition of light bondage is going to be totally different than yours. That is because I’ve been doing this for a while. There are wonderful website, awesome books and don’t get me started on the people that have all this wonderful knowledge that they are willing to share if you just ask.

Don’t forget also that this is a 2 way street or as my grandmother used to say “It takes 2 to tango.” Don’t go blaming your partner if things go wrong. There is a new phrase going around that I thought was pretty self explanatory but I guess not considering so of the stuff about consent and “I didn’t know” that is going around.

It’s called PRICK.

Personal

Responsibility

In

Consensual

Kink

Just because you are into any aspect of BDSM does that mean your common sense goes out the window. If you met someone and your internal alarms go off, well then do what you normally do.  This lifestyle is not any different than dating except that we are more open and honest about what it is that we do. There is NO room for lying and keeping secrets.  That can get you hurt really quick and not in a good way.

So what is my advice to those of you who are REALLY interested in this lifestyle.

  1. First, Do your homework. Look at websites, read books and ask questions of those you know in the lifestyle.
  2. Join FetLife. It is kinky Facebook. Yes, there are some creepers out there. They are out there everywhere. FetLife has an event and group section where you can find things going on in your area.
  3. Go to a Munch.  This is just a social gathering of like mind individuals who get together and talk without having to feel like they are editing themselves. It is usually in a public place. Talk, mingle, and ask questions. But don’t go home with anyone! You are still learning.
  4. Go to a party, but observe. Do not play. Ask questions if they are not doing a scene or in the middle of aftercare. Some Dominants are willing to show you what they have and can do. Ask permission to touch any of their toys or property you are interested in. You can ask to feel what a toy feels like but be ready just incase they say no.  Some toys are porous and can only be used on that certain person (body fluids).
  5. Don’t ever play with anyone privately for the first time. I don’t care if you’ve know them for a long time. Ask for a public play scene. Doesn’t have to be a long one. Just enough for you to know if they will listen to you and your body.
  6. If someone ask you to play don’t jump right in. Ask around. Ask for references.
  7. Be open and honest at all times.
  8. Negotiate before play. Once play has started negotiations have stopped.
  9. Create a safe call any time you go out to meet someone new.

I hope this had made some sense to some of you out there that are looking through the mirror at our lifestyle.

PLEASE, feel free to contact me at anytime for questions that you may have about the lifestyle. I am more than willing to share what I know and what I have learned over the years. You can message me here or you can send me an email to inspirerae@gmail.com

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Did I answer her question? Do you have any other suggestions?

My therapist has told me to start checking into BDSM, due to the control issues I have and the addiction to self injury that I developed, she feels that if I learn how to let go of control and learn to trust my husband in situations and that I would benefit from the research.  I don’t know if I would want to be in the life style, I don’t know enough about it to even guess, I also don’t know if my husband would be able to take control over me since he saw the wreck I was when I finally escaped my situation, but I do know I want to learn how to feel both physically and emotionally when we are in the bedroom.  How do you learn to stop the mind and let your body feel his touch, to feel the sensations and to have your mind focus on what is going on instead of having your mind thinking a hundred different things, from memories to what you are going to make the kids for breakfast?  

 

There is a lot more to this lifestyle than the pain and pleasure that everyone is so focused on. There is also a mental aspect to it as well and I think that is what you are after. You also must have Trust, open and honest communication in a relationship or it just will not work. If the terminology you think would scare you husband off, look into Taken in Hand. It is sort like the lifestyle but more religious and I guess you could say 1950’s ish.

My husband (Master) and I both work 8 hour a day, 5 days a week jobs. The drive home is where I guess you could say we do our switch. Some days I need to do a little mediation. Now mediation can mean different things to different people. My mantra (which is below my name) is something I say when I find myself losing focus. There are also time outs I guess you could call them that Master gives me when I lose that focus & he has to correct me. For example, kneeling on the floor on your knees with a quarter against the wall being held up by your nose with your hands behind you back for 10 minutes or until Master says to stop. While you are holding the quarter you are thinking of nothing but what caused you to be in that position. He could give you a phrase or require you to count. There are also spankings aka punishments. Master has a toy that is mainly used for punishment since I hate it and he does not want me to think of punishment when he uses all the other impact toys. But when this punishment takes place depending on how bad the discretion Master counts or I count out loud. It makes you focus on what is going on and you can not go into your own mind.

Granted this takes a lot of work and patience for both of you. I still have my bad days. Master has come up with lots of creative ways to keep me from going there. I love chocolate but hate coffee. He has found some chocolate covered coffee beans. Anytime he can hear me speak badly of myself (aka disrespecting his wife/slave) I have to eat one of those things. OMG it is so gross.

Another thing to help focus is let your husband make all the decisions. That does not mean that you can not but in your 2 cents but it does mean he will make all the decisions and when he does that is final. It will help you focus on him and it also relieves you of some of the things going on in your mind. You can start this by when he first comes home from work or you depending on who gets there last. Sit down have a conversation about what is going on or what for it at dinner time if it is ok for the kids to hear. If the conversation is at dinner have him give you something to do for him (mediation on pharase or the kneeling) as far as the kids are concerned it is “Mommy time” and they get to have “Daddy time”. But he has to come get you to end your “Mommy time”.

I hope this helps or gives you some direction you can go in yourself. That is the best thing about this lifestyle. It is not black or white. If you see something you like then try it, if it does not work stop it or rework it until it does. There is no right or wrong way to do this as long as you are safe and consensual. You do what works for you both.

Our doors are always open if you need to talk or ask questions.

Much love,

Rae

i promise to HONOR, OBEY, & CARE for my MASTER.
To give Him my LOVE, RESPECT, TRUST & TOTAL SUBMISSION.
i ask nothing in return as all i give is FREELY GIVEN.

 

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Clearing the Air

Originally posted on April 20, 2012

I know I said I would write about my task given to me earlier this week by Master but there are a few things I’d like to get off my mind first.
 

It’s seems every where you turn you here about Fifty Shades. YES, I know about it. In fact I read it when it was Twilight FanFiction. Yes, I have spoken to the author about the story.

But what I really want to do right is kind of go through why I don’t like the book. Yes the sex scenes are hot. Yes, it’s a consented relationship. I get it. It’s starts off very good for the BDSM lifestyle but then all of a sudden it turns towards the negative. What do I mean?

First let’s start with a few simple definitions.

BDSM – Generally taken to mean: Bondage/Discipline, Domination/submission (Master/slave), Sadism/Masochism. B.D.S.M. is a collective term to cover all activities that fall within or near to that broad definition. Just because someone practices one aspect does not mean they practice all of them – enjoying Bondage but disliking Sadism/Masochism for example is perfectly valid. To differentiate, people interested in a particular subset will often just use those initials for example, “I’m in to D/s (M/s).” or “I’m in to B/D and S/M but not D/s (M/s).”

Bottom – Someone who enjoys aspects of the scene as a ‘recipient’ but for whom submission is not a part of it. For example, a bottom could enjoy a flogging from a Top but that flogging is about the sensations, not the loss of power. Bottoms are different from masochists in that the sensations are not necessarily pain based. Bottoms are the flip side to Tops.

Dominant – Adjective or noun – Used to express that the person takes control within a power-exchange scenario or relationship. Generally one half of Dominance/submission.

Dom – a male Dominant.

Domme – a female Dominant. Another term used is FemDom, which is preferred by most female Dominants.

Masochism – Deriving pleasure from your own pain and suffering. Often for the chemical reactions the body has to pain and as a symbol of giving up power. A Masochist is one who enjoys masochism.

Master – The title may be bestowed upon the male dominant in appreciation of his skill. It may be a term of endearment or a loving tribute to a Dom by a submissive in a relationship. Generally one half of Master/slave.

Power exchange – The empowerment of the dominant by the submissive’s surrender to his/her control. Power exchange is consensual and should be well negotiated. The depth of the power yielded by the submissive is equal to level of responsibility assumed by the dominant.

Sadism – Deriving pleasure from the pain and suffering of others. Often as a symbol of power.  A Sadist is one who enjoys sadism.

Slave – Traditionally slaves are people who belong to others. Within the scene it is taken to mean something similar – a submissive in a long term relationship who regards him- or herself to be owned by their Dominant. As with many terms there are those who use it that others feel do not have the level of commitment necessary to use the term appropriately hence there may be the appearance of a wider definition.  The term slave is also sometimes used by those submissives that believe they have ‘no rights’ and are simply available to be used by any Dominant. As mentioned above this usage is sometimes treated with contempt as many would argue that claiming you have no limits is both dangerous and immature (as experience proves that everyone other than the clinically insane has some limits). Those involved in Gorean culture tend to use the term slave (kajira in Gorean) to describe any submissive female.

Submissive – Someone who enjoys surrendering power within a power exchange setting or relationship.

Top – Someone who enjoys aspects of the scene as a ‘driver’ but for whom dominance is not a part of it. For example, a Top may have no problem with a bottom giving constant demands to the direction in which the scene progresses as they are interested in giving the sensation, not dominating the bottom. Tops are different from say sadists in that the sensations they give are not necessarily pain based.

RACK – Risk Aware Consensual Kink – Mostly observed by those that have been in the scene/lifestyle a long time. Those that participate in edgeplay.

Risk-aware: Both or all partners are well-informed of the risks involved in the proposed activity.

Consensual: In light of those risks, both or all partners have, of sound mind, offered preliminary consent to engage in said activity.

Kink: Said activity can be classified as alternative sex.

SSC – Safe, sane, and consensual – Characterizes the acceptable play within the SM community; players adhere to safety precautions within their activities, do not participate in practices that will injure their partners (mentally or physically), and obtain consent by negotiating scenes and scene related activities before carrying them out. Mostly used by those just starting out in the scene/lifestyle.

Safe word, Safe signal – A word, a phrase, or an action (like dropping a ball by a gagged submissive) used by the submissive as a signal to stop the scene or reduce the intensity.

A player is someone who is a BDSM practitioner. This means they participate in the activities that make up the acronym. They could be rope bondage enthusiasts, sadists and masochists. They could be sensual players or people who just like kinky sex.  I often refer to them as a group as the scene.

A lifestyler is someone who participates in the D/s (M/s) aspect outside the bedroom/dungeon as well as may be a proficient BDSM practitioner as well. Just as people may choose to live a green lifestyle or a poly lifestyle. The BDSM lifestyler makes the parts of BDSM and D/s that enrich their lives a part of their everyday in some capacity. They are very much emotionally and mentally involved.

Now that the definitions are out of the way. What I mean when I say that Fifty Shades is bad for the lifestyle is just that.  Fifty Shades is about the scene (player). It’s not what I do. But there is more.

As a submissive/slave, I am not weak or a doormat. Yes I know neither was the female lead. But when you put these labels on Society as a whole thinks that. It needs to change. Check out this blog.  She explains it a lot better than I ever could.

But my main reason for not liking this story is that she has it where everyone believes that the Male lead is into his dominance and sadism because of his upbringing.  By the time we are 4 years old a lot of what we know as right and wrong and being social.  So yes, I can understand that him not wanting to be touched because of his childhood.  Him being a Sadist has nothing to do with it.  It is not a mental disease as EL James makes it out to be in this story.  He was a teenager when he experienced S/M. It was not conditioning that made him like sadism.  He enjoyed it!  That is why he is into it.

So there you have it.  The main reasons why I will never buy the books or even go see the movie (Yes, the movie rights have been sold).

In closing, I will say this.

Hello, my name is Raechel, I’m a submissive/slave*. I love Bondage. I am a Masochist. I belong to my Master. I am a lifestyler. I love getting on my knees and worshipping the one person who makes everything go away. I love it when he pulls my hair and calls me his Dirty Whore or Filthy Slut.

I am his and he is mine.

 

* I will discuss next post why I am placing submissive/slave together.

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Health Update

Anemia

Good News today from the DR. Looks like my Anemia is caused by Iron Deficiency. Been taking iron supplements 4x a day for the past 30 days. Plus trying to eat more foods with iron. On December 26 the ER said my hemoglobin was at 6.0. Normal is between 12 & 14. Had blood work done on January 26th. Results today so that my hemoglobin is at 13.7. He also took an A1C (blood sugar) reading due to my weight & family history. It was at 5.2. That is awesome.

So now we are going to concentrate on weight loss and keeping my iron levels up. We joined AnyTime Fitness today. I have an appt with a trainer on Monday. Master has his appt on Friday. Go check and see if you have one near you. Right now they are waving the enrollment fee and lowered the Membership Card fee. $68 a month for both of us. They even have a tanning room. I like it because it is very small and they are 24 hours. Zack told us it is never crowded in there. Another plus for me.

 

Good Night, I just wanted to share the good news. See you all on Friday.

Rae

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Weekend Update

Well we started the new rules on Friday, January 25th. We are slowing breaking them in. We both need some adjustment period. Not sure when they will go into full effect that will be up to Master.

I only had to be reminded a couple of times. The daily reminders are helping. What Master and I call daily reminders is that I submit to him and he tells me where and how to present my ass to him. He then chooses his instrument of choice and the number of strokes he wants.  Saturday morning he decided that I need his homemade stick. It’s 3 5-gallon paint sticks held together with some rope wound around it. It is very thudy. It hits very deep.

Health wise I am feeling better. There are a few days here and there that I don’t need to nap then there are days that I take long naps and short ones. This Wednesday will be my first real check up since the ER visit the day after Christmas. I mean my numbers where up just a week after the 2 units of blood they gave me. But I’ve now had almost 30 days of taking iron 3 times a day and trying to add more iron to my diet. Only time will tell.

Work wise I now get to work from home 4 days a week now. I am so excite. This week is week number 1. We will soon see if I need the socialization. I may drive Master crazy but at least I not using gas and we aren’t spending money by having lunch out.

Pretty boring weekend if you ask me. This week might be fun. We have a birthday party on Friday to go to. He is the New president of our group.

See you later, until I update again.

Rae

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